Showing posts with label artisanalsmut. Show all posts
Showing posts with label artisanalsmut. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Slip N' Slide

I adore the mornings when you utilize the underside of my stiffening resolve as your own personal slip and slide. When ready you run yourself up that flag pole and I salute you with caresses until you descend upon my glazed hairy matted cradle.

Saturday, November 10, 2018

World Cup




It is never a good idea to go into a pub at 10 am on a Sunday morning. Especially when you are allegedly old enough to know better. But I had watched a few soccer matches leading up to the final and had found a nice Public House that catered to soccer fans that was open that early on a Sunday. In I went to Kill a few Kennys with a couple of friends. There were a few overconfident Eastern European types in the pub as well and after a bit a few friendly wagers were made. The rest of the daytime hours are history. A big lunch after the match and pockets full of gambling largess I was released into the wild to fend for myself.




The night time hours were near, but not near enough. Where should I go?




I made my way cross town to Slammies.




It had been a while since I had been there. A mere matter of months this time rather than years for a change. I confess my slightly liquored and age addled brain almost admitted to itself that there was an irrational exuberance and audacity of hope that JoJo would be the barkeep this evening. Not being enough of a frequent flyer patron to know the schedules it was a crap shoot at best. But hey, this had been my day for being on the right side of the crap and besides it was still early. JoJo always did wonders for both my mood and libido, if for no other reason that she exuded exquisite energy on all spectrums.




Well when I arrived the the place was busy with World Cuppers who also had been sporting since the early morning hours so entertainment was to be had in conversation and camaraderie. Not to mention since when does anybody in the US care about soccer. But Rodney was slinging the drinks and truth be told he was much more 
adept with soccer ruffian speak than JoJo would have been.




But with a day of imbibing and visions of JoJo and other ghosts of Slammies gibbering in my head; plus ill gotten gains in my pocket left only one thing to be done.




I went to long forgotten but dark corner of many a man's past and headed further afield out to the airport strip clubs.




Dark. Expensive. Reeking of unrequited male lust after the unattainable dreams and transactional commerce of the most basic and ancient kind. Knowing that I was stimulating the economy and myself in a manner that will only result in a trip down memory lane of what a naked woman of a totally inappropriate age for me looks like, I was on a splurge. The visual enticement would certainly charge my batteries. Polite, but never wanting to waste a dancers time when she could be transacting commerce, left me with plenty of time to enjoy the dancers lithe bodies from afar. Not dark lurking corner afar. More midway between drooling stage side tipping range and creeper corner where the bouncers watch for the first whiff of trouble.




The dancers are delightful. All ages and body types. Lovely to the last jiggle. I am mesmerized at the bounty displayed. Some eliciting illicit memories. Others merely long held fantasies. Much to the dismay of the women's bottom line I am too frugal to invest too much of my liquid capital on things other than my liquid hobbies.




That is when it happened. The stage went dark. The MC announce the next performers name. I don't even recall what it was. Your stock in trade strippers name. It was clever. It was enticing. It was not to common. Not to abstruse. It was just…...JoJo!




Okay. I admit I thought about skulking out. For her ? For me? Considering the number of faces she has to see across the weathered bar of Slammies was I kidding myself that she would even recognize me? With the stage lights could she even see beyond the leering laddies stage side with their mitts full of lucre?




I stayed. I confess. The thought of seeing JoJo naked, strutting, and shimmering won the fantasy soccer day prize. Yes I’m that guy. My unreasonable expectations were taking a step that my wildest hopes would have dismissed just moments before. Naked strange women was one thing. My favorite bartender whose imagined visage has roiled my monkey brain for months was a horse of a different color.




I was transfixed as her goth girl inspired clothing became a melting pathway to paradise.




Then our eyes met.






Tuesday, September 18, 2018

TMI Tuesday: September 18, 2018

Welcome to sexy fun and playfulness at TMI Tuesday.

sexy fun, playful
1. Which animal listed below represents your true sexual self?
a. Chipmunk – cute and cuddly

b. Monkey – all about being mischievousness. I think we are all monkeys on this bus

c. Tiger – I’ve earned my stripes
2. Your partner is in the mood for sexy fun and you are tired – what do you do?
a. Start snoring. There is no way I’m giving it up tonight.

b. Trade. You give me a massage… and we will see… Or just have a 68 session. You do me and I'll owe you one.

c. That would never happen!
3. Which of these sexual descriptive labels closely matches you?
a. Dominant
b. Submissive
c. Top
d. Bottom

e. Switch. Definitely a ripple on the upside down lake of the void sort.

f. Kinkster
4. Would you rather have your enemy eaten by a shark or die in an earthquake getting swallowed up by earth?
Well since sharks need to eat at least some good would come from the demise of my protagonist.
5. For the next year, would you rather be dressed like a mime every day OR look normal but not be allowed to talk?
Normal? I have nothing to say about that concept. I'll get back to you on that this time next year.
Bonus: What’s the most beautiful word in the world?
Antidisestablishmentarianism or Oops. Love em both
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!

Friday, July 13, 2018

Tender Tabernacle

When I am inside you I adore running my fingers through the satiny pages of your flowing folds. Running my fingers along the event horizon where my shaft sleekly splits you wide and melds into making us as one. How your body pulses and vibrates when my finger tip presses my moment where your taint starts and my full immersion leads. As my finger trace back around gathering a glistening sheen unable stop until I have encircled my girth. Perfect placement for my thumb to find the very pinnacle of your tender tabernacle. There to give service and pay homage to that nubbin with an ever gentle rubbing. Your blue eyes become bluer. Your blond hair becomes blonder. Golden strands fall before your face and you sigh, then gasp the sweet sigh of release.

Tuesday, June 26, 2018

TMI Tuesday: June 26, 2018

TMI Tuesday: June 26, 2018

Heyyyy! TMI Tuesday time again.

tmituesdayblog, sex is life
1. Is your sex life more fantasy or reality?
It is perceptive reality with heaping side orders of frequent fantasy, receptive reverie, and highly dubious deceptive memory.
2. If you could hook-up with a past lover (with no repercussions or regret), who would it be and why? (No need to use real names just briefly describe the person and their relationship to you.)
No thank you. I will leave the past where it is.
3. You can only indulge in one of the following sex acts for the rest of your life, which would you choose to enjoy?
a. oral sex, only giving
b. 69
Mutually assured orgasm-sma-struction.

c. oral sex, only receiving
d. mutual masturbation
4. With each lover do you pay attention to what they want or do you have a repertoire that you stick to when having sex?
The way each lover and I fit together determines the repertoire. No square pegs in round holes. Not that I mind pulling a little sumthin sumthin out of my hat when a little hocus pocus is in order.
5. Do you initiate sex for healthful benefits, e.g., to sleep better or relieve pain?
Yes.
Bonus: Do you understand the clitoris?
They don't call me the clitoris whisperer for nothing. But just like snowflakes no two are the same, so I really haven't a clue. But I shall whisper sweetly at every opportunity.
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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!

Tuesday, June 19, 2018

TMI Tuesday: June 19, 2018

Hi there! Let’s play TMI Tuesday.

Take a Look at Me Now.

1. What was your biggest worry five years ago, do you still have that same worry or feel the same about it at this minute?
5 years ago: I was worried I would never feel her slender fingers lift the back of my scrotum as she knelt before me and enveloped me in her ever intriguing mouth.
Now: I worry I will never again feel her slender fingers lift the back of my scrotum as she kneels before me and envelops me in her ever intriguing mouth.

2. Do you have a positive or negative body image? What factors contribute to your self body image?
a. advertisements
b. media and social media
c. comments from others
d. introspection and analysis of self
e. all of the above.
They all give me both the negative and positive body image I have of myself. Since I am a body and not just leasing one; I soak it all in. But I believe the vast majority of the input I receive from all of the above sources; is those sources trying to sell me something.    
3. How confident are you as a person?
a. no confidence at all
On the confidence scale as devised by Sir Sidney Fudd I scored ambivalent.
b. confident around friends and family
c. confident at work, and in my job
d. very confident in my surroundings–work, social settings, with strangers
4. How creative a person are you? Why?
a. not creative
b. average creativity
c. creative in some situations
I am all about  the moment and the present situation.  Aren't we all now.
 d. very creative
5. Do you resent things being uncertain and unpredictable? Why?
a. agree
b. undecided or Don’t Know
c. disagree
I never resent what is. I never lie, and I am always right. Vote For Me. #NotInsane
Bonus: What do you wish you had invented?
A better me. Of course I am still a WIP.
————-
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Unreasonable Expectations




I rolled into Slammies one weekday afternoon for a large draught of unreasonable expectations. There she was on the other side of the bar staring me right in the kisser. The only thing to do was to stick to the irrational exuberance script that has served me so well and soldier on.




A decade of Slammies separation meant the woman behind the bar did not recognize me as the regular I once was. Now was not the time to dissuade her. I ordered a pint. There was a CUBS hat on the bartenders head and Chicago CUBS Baseball was on the shiny new multitude of flat screen TV's that now littered the saloon. A far cry from the ancient flickering cathode ray tube corner mounted box that once served as the sports center of this one time corridor of a bar.




On the plus side I could not drink enough pints of unreasonable expectations to have them overtake me as I watched the energetic bartender reach for libations on the top shelve. Each reach exposing more of her well toned reasonably bared daytime mid-drift. Framed in what to me appeared goth inspired basic black attire. Modest but well fitting and well suited for the bars expanded and updated facade.




Her exposed belly bling sparkled and rewarded my irrationally exuberant countenance with a glint of rational promise. Then she rolled up with two shot glasses and a bottle of Jack and said, " I drank too much yesterday and if you don't do a shot with me now I might die."




Her sincerity and my gentlemanly tendencies coaxed an extra exuberant, "Bottoms up!" from me. That was our cue for the ritual downing of the booze. Even fueled by Jack Daniels the unreasonable expectations jet stream would not drag me along today.




He who drinks, then runs away will live to drink another day. Ball game was over and the end of the work day crowd was shuffling in so I bid the bartender ado, tipped her and my hat and out the door I went.




That was the first, but lucky for me, not the last time I would have a JoJo sighting,






Tuesday, June 12, 2018

TMI Tuesday: June 12, 2018

What do ice-cream and sex have in common? We discuss both this TMI Tuesday, that’s what.

1. If you were an ice-cream flavor, what would you be and why?


Vanilla Berry Swirl; because I l always savor slipping my vanilla bean into a sweet juicy succulent bursting berry and swirling it over under sideways down and around and around until together we churn out something sweet.

2. What are the best sexy skills you bring to a sexual relationship?

My filthy super smooth super smutty super sexy boom boom boomski bedroom talk.
3. What is the single largest problem causing you angst in your romantic relationship (current or most recent relationship)?

Health issues.
4. What is the best part about being in a relationship with you?

Me knowing when not to use mfilthy super smooth super smutty super sexy boom boom boomski bedroom talk.
5. What is the biggest misconception that people have about you?

They don't recognize what a googly eyed romantic I am because I tend to keep that to myself
Bonus:  When you look at old photos of yourself, do you like what you see?

My clueless self looking back at me.
————-
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!

Friday, June 8, 2018

Vegan Adventures




One minute I'm having a cold brew at Slammies.

Next thing I know I am in JoJo the bartenders bed.

She is stuffing the business end of a Cauliflower floret with an asparagus spear chaser up my rear.

I didn't know she was a vegan.

Just another early 21st century night.

Saturday, June 2, 2018

Expectations

Whenever I feel others are not living up to my expectations,


I immediately review my expectations to see if they are still applicable.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

TMI Tuesday: October 18, 2016

TMI Tuesday: October 18, 2016

Hello world! Guess what we are talking about this week at TMI Tuesday?
talksex_tmi
1. Good sex can be something I will be secretly smiling about for years to come at the most inappropriate times imaginable.
2. Let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about you in a very flimsy white jumpsuit with nothing else beneath, it's buttons open to your navel, a parachute, and my little Burro Pepe .
3. Being present and accounted for is all about putting pleasure back into sex.
4. Excessive use of pornography can distort expectations of what sex in real life should or could be like.

a. True: If what you want is what politicians , business men (and women), corporations, and advertisers are selling you; might as well jump in bed with what the pornographers are selling as well.

b. False: Very desirable and aesthetically pleasing people with physical forms you may or may not ever share a bed, desk, couch, or pasture with giving you erotic inspirations to share with your beloved ones when appropriate; only furthers a mentoring model for fulfilling our secret desires.
Care to expound?  Clearly define "excessive" for you and your intended partner. Once clarified step right up.

5.Your willingness to communicate verbally as well as physically boosts my sexual performance. The look on your face when you cum loud and long boosts my sexual enjoyment.
Bonus:  What is the last way that you experienced sexual pleasure? Although it was in the missionary position I worked you long, deep, and hard enough for your legs to finally spread wide  enough amid your thigh clenching climaxes for my balls to become coated and slathered from dipping into your savory soup du jour tureen.
————
How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblogfrom your website!
Happy TMI Tuesday!

About Me

My photo
Purveyor of paralogical compliance to verbally mediated reality, artisanal smut, with a pinch of full time flâneur tossed in to taste.