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Sunday, May 8, 2011

Witness the Planet

The Planet was always planning. The Planet had dreams. The Planet read voraciously. Everything from romance novels to every self help book that was released. Or so it would seem. So the Planet either had discovered her reborn self, or had kept it hidden from me and now felt it had to come out. Of course we did the family church thing at the local Presbyterian church, and that was something the Planet could sink her metaphysical teeth into. Presbyterian's may have been a little wishy washy for her rediscovered or newly forming fundamentalism, but the Planet was forever trying to fit into her surroundings. The Planet tried hard to blend into and reach accord within the cosmos. My first hint was her habit early on in the dating process to not only begin to parrot phrases that I used, but to quickly complete my sentences. Now I know I don't have a huge repertoire, but after dating someone a few months this can be a little disconcerting.

But being a courtship that was cut short by the pregnancy induced two minute marriage drill, there wasn't much time to dwell on the implications. But as I stare back from the eternity of this now I can only shake my head and ponder the endless question of “Why were my eyes so blind." I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be close to another human being and the Planet I would later discover was a master of becoming whoever she intuited the person she was with would want. I think we all operate on that level to some degree, either consciously or unconsciously, and especially early on in the merging process. A talent perfected out of child like necessity resulting from her constant moves as an "Army Brat”and the depredations of youthful yearnings to fit in, feel accepted, and then eventually loved. A very human and constant condition in us all. How we deal with those inborn drives makes all the difference in our actions in this sojourn we are all on.

My being around, as anyone who has a dailey absent spouse will tell, interjected my presence into a households daily routine. Dysfunctional or not we all have patterns we adhere to, and whether we wish to change them, are trying to change them, or are oblivious to them, only we can instigate the change in our day to day. Outside interference has it's price's and consequences. Despite the positive out come to my health, the newly gained knowledge of the operation of my household was a revelation. While my presence should have freed up the Planets time for her business pursuits, it in reality drove a deep wedge between the illusions the Planets gravity was spinning and the reality of the situation. Denial of depression even with the treatment of professionals runs deep. The Planet needs space for her orbits. My additional gravitational influence had it's effect on the Planets orbital patterns and merely accomplished sending the Planets orbit further from it's true bearing. As any orbital disruption in axis or orbit will attest to, it sent waves of change rippling through the Planets core.

This point in the journey deeper into the heart of Indiana was not only the apex of my joy, but the the embarkation to the final thrusts into the absolute depths of despair.

Thrusting into the previously unrevealed.
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