Sentient Beans

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Friday, December 31, 2010

Drive by Communication

Drive by communication

It seemed that as our rotations fell further out of sync, the planet spent less and less time rotating on me, or me on the Planet. When less time is spent together, communicating either on the baser or higher levels, just how does one relate to the other. When the flows that make up a marriage stop, and given the difficulties of cross gender communication in general the home ecology can stagnate and poison itself. Worse yet what seemed to be a tactic akin to throwing a hand grenade into a room and running for cover became the Planets favorite mode of relating "important issues". For whatever reason the timing of broaching subjects always happened right before I had to get to the city for work on that South Shore Line, or she had some place to be (still gives me the shivers to imagine what that might have been) when a topic deserving of a lengthy discussion would be broached. I often had the feeling that as far as the Planet was concerned, the pin had been pulled, the safety had been released, and the grenade was now in my court. Unable to be completely explored at that moment, and an expedition unable to be resumed later in the day due to the Planets daily sunset. When the days light set on the Planets rotation, there was rarely any planet left. Tired, worn out and unresponsive. As I was worn out, in pain, and deadened by my daily endeavours. There was no exchange of any kind of energy. Only the need to recharge to continue on our separate orbits. So it went.

So the initial intentions of my daily trip into the darkness that is Indiana was the conservation of resources. Since the laws make all resources common, they had become the Planets as well. The two satellites had been launched, and the Planet had the luxury of being a stay at home mother. I came to notice however, in that rather rustic and isolated enclave on the banks of Big Lake Michigan, that there were two kinds of family organizations. The ones were the mothers stayed at home, with all the inherent horrors that implied to the Planet, and those that were two career families, and could afford or had the family near by to afford them the piece of mind, and freedom that child care can bring to the situation. The stay at home moms would look down on the working moms as shirking their maternal responsibilities, while the career women would smirk and disdain the stay at home for being drones and hopelessly oppressed by their domestic situations. By being good wifeys and mummsies they were viewed as leading less of an enriched life than these driven career birds of prey. The planets polarity was torn. The solution was in how the realities were viewed in the larger context.

Polarities within the family, polarities within individuals. What do you get when you have no dreams and the other has many dreams. What if the influences of feeling you have to keep up with the Jones's's next door is not realistic with the present cash flow. While the Planet was thoroughly ensconced in the day to day surroundings at one end of the South Shore line, I was in a struggle with pain, fatigue and the trying to maintain a career that, like so many things in my life up until then just seemed to happen.What I had set out to do, on the surface I had invariably done. I had much help, but then I started to feel and reject those who had helped. I was now throughly in the Planets gravitational pull. She was my reality. But what reality had the planet embraced. I knew what I thought I knew, but I realize now I did not know, and the Planet wasn't talking. I was talking but not apparently getting through. My presentation was ineffective and harmful to the Planets sensibilities I really didn't understand. What bothered me I vocalized, but apparently not in a language or a style that was being received by the Planet.

We all have different needs. Since I really didn't know or didn't admit to myself mine invariably made me unable to understand and supply the Planets. Planetary needs where plenty, and the drive of the Planet were never ending, and to me unfathomable. The Planets spinning was ceaseless, and apparently unable to gain the traction necessary to produce the desired result. I suspect now that result was an income for the Planet. For the Planet is always in motion. A decision that would not be revealed to me until years later, and much hemorrhagin of finances and resources. Financial prosperity was spewing into the universe at amazing speed, and I was unable, or unwilling to plug the holes. I never knew where they where or where they would materialize next. Life was a never ending fire drill. I could fool myself that at least on paper, because of a booming stock, economy, and real estate markets we were actually staying ahead of the game. I was wrong, as I started to be consistently wrong about almost everything. You have to put everything in place as if you are already successful or you will not be able to achieve what you want, sayeth the Planet, out of the pages of her many self help books. Worse yet I started to read them. When your major influence in life is your relationship with the Planet, you start thinking with in the same spheres. But I knew not what the grand planetary design was at the time. I would just get brief exposure at times, and only when there was no time for discussion. From now on I make my own time, because it is to costly not to.


Also Sprach The Planet

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The Planet Is.

The planet is:


many stories
always changing
always tired
losing things
forgetting things
reading
buying things
gone on Saturdays
joining groups
sick
taking on more outside responsibilities
leaving more things undone
setting goals
wanting her way
caring
not caring
searching for peace
feeling unappreciated
repeating things
finishing sentences
trying to belong
never satisfied
expecting different results
hiding things
not speaking
cooking
warm chattering
going to therapy
spinning out of control
spinning into inaction
residing resplendent in squalor
not knowing where to start


What is the planet doing?

If I thought I knew I know I was wrong.


Which of course begs the question. What the hell was I doing. Which is probably the only question any of us can answer with any authority at all. The truly sad thing is that I would probably get the answer wrong. Sadder still is most of us would.

But I can tell you what I thought I was doing even if it was no where near good enough for the Planet.

earning a living
helping with the satellites
keeping the household books
doing the laundry
doing yard work
paying the bills
trying to make income faster than the planets outflow
thanking genuinely for ever kindness showed
being grateful
being a loving husband
being a responsible father

Gosh, I am so special. At least these were the things I thought I was doing. Was I succeeding. The answer to that becomes apparent as the journey on the South Shore Line continues. All answers become self evident upon closer examination. The real trick is to stop looking with our heads and start to see with our hearts. Now that the panic attacks have ceased it is much easier to do.

Caring for the Planet was indeed a full time job. Where as I come from a long line of stoics, there never seemed a time when the Planet wasn't tired, in pain , just plain tuckered out. I tried to understand incapacitating maladies that have nightly occurrences, but the stoic in me is ever skeptical. Being a couple that had dutifully read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" while in marriage counselling, I tried very hard to go against my nature and try not to fix things. So what's the natural response. I guess I chose to listen when verbalization of issues out of my control were offered and then do nothing. Maybe that wasn't the right response.

Oopsy.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The Little Lords of Doom

Is it inevitable that they visit every Planet? I don't know. What are the first signs? Is it the increasing signs of neglect. Showing up not only on the physical side of the household, but on the satellites as well. Is it the first time you get home early and discover that the drapes have not been opened all day and the house is still dark. Even though the hasty claim of “closed for nap time” is made. There was a lot of napping going on in those days, and not by the two little lads. They obviously had vast amounts of time, especially Addison, to create huge crayon based murals on walls all over the house. While I have always been an advocate of the arts it never dawned on me to question that toddlers would have the swath of unsupervised time to create such masterpieces on walls as opposed to supplied paper. But I trusted.

Was it the vast number of self help books and novels of all sorts that piled up in the two places the Planet orbited most that should have heralded the stealth arrival of the Little Lords of Doom. Or was it just the piles of everything that gathered on counters, stuffed into closets, piled on desks, thrown into the garage. The vast amount of fast food wrappers that seemed ubiquitous on the floor and in the back of the mini van. Or should I have been concerned about the mail that was picked up at the mail box on the corner, but never made it into the house. After all, the Planet had the care and feeding of the beloved Clark and Addison to contend with. Who could not understand the leaving of a few bills that have fallen behind the seats of a mini van inhabited by the two celestial terrors that are young boys in the throws of the terrible twos and beyond. Even if the bills contained large charges that where not mentioned either in passing or in family finance discussions. Was this screening of mail a tactic learned in one of those ever present self help books.

However meals were always prepared, The Planet was a born earth mother southern girl in the kitchen. I never thought twice about my arrival in the door and her saying take care of the boys I have to get out of here. That, from what I hear, is very common amongst mothers in the last decade of the Twentieth Century. It was quite enjoyable to care for my young sons. Quite refreshing after having to deal with advertising people all day, and strangely similar in more ways than I care to mention. Battle though it was with the apparent lack of routine things like brushing teeth and picking up toy's was hard to enforce when it was unknown to the lads on a daily basis. You pick your battles after all. But Planetary battles pick you in reality.

And thus the Little Lords of Doom continued their insurgency.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Planetary Signals.

Communication can take many forms. Verbal, visual, aural, physical, intuitive, and perhaps one of the most effective, omission. As in any relationship there is always an exchange of resources, and often times we feel that we are transacting a fair exchange. Whether it is time, financial, affection, loyalty, or sharing resources, these are all part of the give and take that is existence. But there is no ledger in the sky and the value of resources can often be misunderstood or even in dispute. Balancing that ledger on a planetary scale is neither easy or even possible with incomplete or inaccurate information. This is where rifts can slowly form into canyons of astronomical proportions. Silently but persistently they grow. Imperceptible in the day to day activities of life.

So it was with Judith Janet Planet and myself. Like the running water of a river that can form grand canyons, so we continued on the river that was our life together. Much of my time riding on the South Shore Line, and working. Much of the Planets time seeing to the day to day welfare of the satellites Clarke and Addison. But today's world does little to reinforce the value of such domestic endeavors. We certainly give lip service to the sublime pursuit of parenting, but with the same conviction of “have a nice day”, that we pass from one another in our daily interactions. So when Planetary goals are not being met, and when Planetary compensation is felt inadequate, needless to say the polarity of the Planet may begin to go askew.

There were many signals, some heeded, some unrecognized, but in retrospect, they were there. Talking didn't seem to work. Fucking becomes infrequent. Actually became nonexistent unless initiated by me, which can become problematic for one that has issues of self image to begin with as well as a disinclination to convince people to do things for my own satisfaction. Add that toxic brew to a Planet with many of those same issues and it becomes clear that a happy ending is less than certain.

Then the ultimate clue, missed by the clueless me, was dropped.

“It's not you , it's me”, said Judith Janet Planet.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Ball-Less

Rene Uhbaduh said that all my meanness got cut off with my foot. She was wise for her years, but maybe a little low. I sometimes feel that my balls were removed at the same time. If nothing else poor body image, not that I ever was a pretty boy. But the Planet had body issues of her own, both before and after childbirth. Add latent evangelical Christian backgrounds and children to the mix there wasn’t a lot of naked, grape sharing time to be had. Perhaps a more intact me would been more amourously aggressive which might have been just what the doctor ordered for the Planets evangelical prudery, and the conflicting emotions in me combining the reverence for the sainted mother of my recombined DNA and the object of my burning lust. Then again maybe not. What may be a concise summation of the 14 year marriage to Judith Janet Planet?

As the daily trip upon the South Shore wore down my body and soul, so did the ever growing divide between our orbits. At first there were huge upsets about finances, household chores,and time for each other. Unfortunately many of these raged silently within both the Planet and myself. Like volcanic activity, only occasionally bursting forth from either one or the other, but rarely simultaneously. In retrospect it seemed neither of us wanted a confrontation, and there was so many other things to do. Work schedule kept me away long hours each week day, and the satellites growing and becoming mobile filled the Planets daylight hours.

Another aspect was playing out, the ramifications of which I was not aware of. The Planet herself came from a fractured solar system, a state of affairs I was unaccustomed to having come from what was, if nothing else, a more outwardly stable orbit family. More of the old school of stay together because of the kids, and then stay together because we have nothing better to do. Which arrangement is of greater or of lesser value is beyond my judgmental capabilities. The Planets Paternal Planetoid had contracted cancer. The conflicting emotions that were playing beneath the Planets surface were in full eruption interuptus. If such emotions were attempted to be shared with me, I obviously missed the signal. So they remained below the surface and festered.

I busied myself with trying to stay ahead of the ever increasing out flow of income, weekends of landed gentry maintenance activities and praying the Planet wouldn't be to demanding on social commitments allowing me a few moments rest on my days at the ranch. I found pleasure spending time with my sons, the Planet had it up to her polar ice cap by the weekends and felt no more time of hers was necessary with the little moons. She lit out of there Saturday mornings like a comet with a mission. Usually missions of the gapping maw of senseless consuming I would discover.

Within a year the Planet called for some counseling. So it was off to the counselors we went. We had three sessions together with the counselor, after that the Planet was chosen to attend on her own because Sigmund's brother French felt she was emotionally blocked. Well, that was it for that counselor. It was back to spinning within the vast emptiness of space for the both of us.

Can you hear a Planet scream in space.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Pain

Pain becomes part of life. Everyday takes into consideration the number of steps, or better to say the minimum number of steps to complete a task. But I moved blindly from day to day, searching to find an accommodation between my workaholic ways, and my new responsibilities. The stress that I felt, and the pain that I felt grew and grew everyday. It had been hard to feel good about myself for years. Accomplishment in a career that seemed to be slowly killing me, and the new weekly regiment that left little time to enjoy the things that I thought I was working for. This is not an uncommon feeling for many of us. Yet the increase in economic compensation was steadily losing ground to the economic demands of the Planet and the satellites. Any mention of receiving an accounting from the Planet was greeted by a flood of defensive maneuvers from Janet. I was unaware, and still am to this day, of the depth of emotions any mention of expenditures elicited from the Planet.  She was on a different operating system from the one I was on , and there was no finding an interface between the two.

Perhaps it was the Planets way of dealing with an empty life. For some  having a home and two satellites would be a fulfilling challenge. The opportunity to be a stay at home mom to some would be the most precious of gifts. The most ideal situation that this existence can bestow some would say. So many in our time cannot affords that luxury. The chance to be there through the early years long after maternal corporate leave runs out to many is an unattainable extravagance. Apparently it was. Yet there is so much to do and to experience watching the growth of a new human, who would choose to turn them over for ten hours a day to well investigated strangers. Good references or not you still never really know.

But the planet was an adrenaline junkie as well. She thrived on the company of others. The challenges of a career creating and transacting commerce is a drug all it's own. The appreciation of peers, the social interaction of others, and the feeling of a job well done is a reward we are all bred for these days. It is how our society bestows perceived value on us all. Although much lip service is given to the value of the interplanetary family unit, the rewards are not at all apparent externally. It is a value that can only be felt within. I can only speculate that the Planet need more exterior assurance than she received from within, and to my shame from me as well.

So to the planet it was like being cast adrift in space with no communication other than the arduous tasks demanded by the new moons. A vast emptiness that needed to be filled with the only tool she felt were available to her.

Credit Cards.  

  Credit Cards can be a blessing. Used judiciously they can facilitate immediate gratification, help retailers and governments keep track of your spending, and even make a profit for those that issue them on the juice especially if you get a little behind for a month or two.

  They can also become toxic when used on a planetary scale. When you add to the mix the legalized pyramid schemes commonly known as Multi Level Marketing, the dreaded MLM, it can only set the stage for a disaster of global proportions.

  While the Planet was gestating satellite number two, she began to dabble in that most insidious and ever present grandmother of all MLM schemes, Our Lady of the Pink Cadillac. Mary Kay.  Well the planet began to nibble at that bait but birthing took priority. But after young Addison was orbited, The Planet bought into Pink Caddy dreams with a vengeance.

Now I am sure that thousands of woman have made this work for them by building their business a little at a time , reinvesting their sales to resupply their inventory, and slowly build their pyramids. This however was not how the Planet operated.

  Judith Janet Planet not only needed to buy monthly inventory at levels that would put her on pace for her ultimate dream, regardless of the existence of any sales at all, but she also needed to have people do the housework, and care for the satellites as well. The Planet, a true aficionado of self help books, had read that to achieve success you had to live your life like that success had been achieved already. Step one of business plan apparently was to run this enterprise on credit cards till it was in the black.

  However the only black on the horizon was the black hole our unwholey union was spinning into.


Yes , unwholey.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Postpartum Planet

     Perhaps postpartum depression will last a few moths in many new mothers. But on a planetary scale and by my count it can last thirteen years. All the doctors and all the pharmaceuticals could never, it seems set the Planet on her axis again. Perhaps it was the Planets attempt to overcome the overpowering dynamics of hormones and brain chemicals that made planetoid number two more of a cry for help than another manipulative deception of the Planets. Perhaps, like the hair of the dog for a hangover, nature called for another satellite to cure the bodily imbalances brought about by the first heavenly un-docking maneuver. However speculating on the Planets motives and machinations as I was quick to learn were a fruitless endeavor.

   Co-dependence has often been described as: "when I die your life will pass before my eyes." So it is with planets and moons. The planet thinks that it is doing all the work by supplying the gravity that keeps the moon in orbit. Meanwhile the moon thinks it is doing all the work with the constant rotation and falling into the Planet while supplying tidal motions of the oceans that keeps all things in flux and balance. In fact both are doing their part in the order of things. Neither able to stand back and appreciate just how codependent they are. Who is to say whether this is a healthy or unhealthy state of affairs. It just is.

   So was the Planet from the very beginning trying to pull me into economic orbit only to cast me off at the first advantageous opportunity? Was I so dense and out of touch that I didn't notice? Was I so intent on playing my new role that I thought, as well as my DNA told me I was supposed to, and apparently I was destined to play that I failed to take the hint? Was the Planet even aware of the why and wherefores of her actions and inability to act? Where we both just fulfilling our perceived roles while both ignoring where we all were headed?

  So many questions that even hindsight cannot answer. As was made apparent from the very first visit to the marriage counselor, the Planets communications were shutting down. Enter denial and I ordered the same. The Planet shutdown communications with that marriage counselor. Thus begins a search for an answer. Unfortunately as with any answer the right question has to be asked. The endless trip down the South Shore was in it's infancy as was this galatic crisis. Was it a gibbous or a waning moon? yet all planetary considerations move at their own speed.

   The Planet remained silent.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Pink Mist

The fact of the matter is children and Planets are not owned. We just become voluntary care takers for each other and those that have been placed in our sphere of influence. Often I found myself woefully lacking. But push on all parties did to try to keep open lines of communications. But storms in Indiana often bring down power and communication lines. Bring them down it did. Slowly at first. One could say the Planet's and my infrastructure would be deemed structurally deficient.

Unfortunately at this time no such inspection had taken place.

But it would.

Then there was the SS line and it’s daily reminder.There was a palpable quiver up my spine upon my first of many daily arrivals from Hoosiervillie. What I saw on the first commute on the first morning of what would become a sixteen year ordeal should have been warning enough. The manifestation in the world of the harbinger of bad things from a dream ten years previous should have been heeded.

I dreamt in October of nineteen eighty, before the world had been subjected to Ronny and the Rayguns that I was boarding a train. The platform was high up on a huge wood framed trestle. Up and up I climbed until I boarded the train. It took off like a roller coaster giving all aboard the ride of their lives. On an on it went tossing us like clothes in a dryer. Then it stopped in a huge high grass prairie. The train to return home was on the other side of this grassland. As I walked towards my train home my feet got heavier and heavier. Then my legs felt like they were in cement. I could no longer pull my legs through the high grass. I was stuck and would never get my train home. There is no going home.

So on this first morning of the first commute when I pulled in to the station I saw where that dream train ride had begun. I felt I was in another world. How true it was . It was the Planets world now. I had changed many things already. There was much more to come.

But on this morning as my train arrived in Chicago and I came face to memory with the scene of that ten year old October dream which became my October nightmare all rolled into October 17, nineteen hundred and eighty. The day of the pink mist.

As I worked through another day of pain I counted all the good things that had happened to me in the decade since. Although there stood a reminder of a prescient dream, I counted my blessings on that December nineteen hundred and ninety morning. Things in my world couldn't have turned out better.

  Or so I thought

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Owners Manual

I would have to say that like any story there are usually at least three versions.  That's because in any relationship  each person is having a minimum of three within that commerce. First there is how one projects themselves to you. second there is how you perceive that projection. Third is who that person really is, which that person might only be marginally aware of. With the sudden rush of life changes that happened in a short span, perhaps neither I nor the Planet had a clue who or where we were.

It was certainly a huge change for the Planet. One might say it had global implications. The ravages of child birth on a body are something that a male cannot, never will, and has no reason to want to imagine. Empathy has it's limits. Perhaps I was even less empathetic than some. After all I wasn't consulted on the commencement of the parenting. Girl friend soon to be wife stops taking pills without warning is a guaranteed pregnant Planet. Although I never brought it up and rarely thought about it, perhaps that was the first of the constantly multiplying three hundred pound gorillas that inhabited mine and the Planets universe.

I certainly love those little sputnik's.

So within two years my reality had altered. The inventory of  my life's concerns multiplied, I might add, in many wonderful ways. To have two healthy sons, a new home to live in, a dog (hound from hell though she may have been), and a spouse who would always reply “I love you too”, I figured I had achieved the American dream. Of course the implications of always hearing “I love you too” were lost on me at the time.

Daily travel from the heart of Indiana was a minimum of one hour each way, and that only after the Planet had gotten her brand new leased Jeep Cherokee. Because to travel the wild and woolly SS line usually made commute door to door a minimum of two hours each way. Driving not only cut that time to half but it also freed me from the mercy of the SS schedule, which gets sparser and sparser as the evening wears on. Miss a train and you now add an additional hour or two of away time at the best of times.

The separation by time and geography may not seem like much, and there are many that make the same a part of their business day. We all have to get to where the most advantageous commerce can be transacted. That's why we are able to outsource so many of our jobs. The lure of cheap labor has always been the motivation for expansion and colonization. Thus Indiana was always a perfect source for the Chicago area. Since most industry jobs are gone from Indiana, over the years I saw the numbers of people boarding that last inter-city electric rail line increase ten fold from what it had been at the outset.

Perhaps they were drawn out there to the Planet. Gravitational forces still have a many mysteries for us all.

Funny how easy it is to fool yourself into believing that everything is all right. Sometimes when you have the least amount of time and are the busiest, there is absolutely no chance to mull over whether you are happy or not. As crazy as those years were, I know now as I knew then that they were happy years. I can only speak for myself, because I now know that I can only be sure of, and responsible for my own happiness. Enjoy the journey because if enjoyment is contingent on an outcome, joy becomes a rare commodity.

Journeys there were many. Every day was a journey and as it becomes routine the weeks make you weary and months make more mundane occurrences a blur. Being one of the landed gentry in Hoosierville, yet spending most of my waking hours in the cement canyons of a major rust belt city often made me feel a bit disjointed. Having grown up being able to walk to the corner store , corner restaurant, corner bar, corner of the universe made me even more sensitive to the vacuum of the Indiana population density. But what population is there feels much the same about Chicago people as Chicago people feel about them. Us against them proliferates on the planet, whether you bring your own Planet or not.

For a city boy surrounded by the contrasts of the natural beauty and industrial scars of northwest Indiana, with it's lack of urban diversions, cultural diversity, as well as it's just plain sub suburban environment left me at a loss for diversions. Maintaining a household with expansive yard and home repairs kept me occupied over the weekends when the call of commerce didn't take me away. The constant demands and search for a balance between family and career eluded me mercilessly.

To make matters worse , as any new parent will tell you , children do not come with an owners manual.

Neither did the Planet.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Formula for a Family

Formula for a family:

Talk about living together.

Significant other does not buy pills. Claims it was because she didn't have the money. Red flags should have started waving before my eye's. But they didn't so....

Have one hell of a wedding and honeymoon.

Learn to breathe.

Baby numero uno.

Honeymoon ends.

Enter the orbital adjustments of being a stay at home mom and no longer having a career. The spin of the Planet’s general disdain, that many career women have for stay at home moms, which though not immediatly apparent, was ever seething beneath the Planet’s crust.

The Planet latter claimed on our first visit to a therapist that she tried very hard at being domestic those early months, but just could not stomach it. If she was being domestic I did not notice. Perhaps another instance of my insensitivity.  But then it is very hard to tell with the bedlam brought about by a new newborn in the home. Only time I had to think was when I was at work, so I can only imagine what it was like having bee's live in her head those first couple of months.

It soon became clear that downtown is no place to raise a baby. Of course I may not have noticed, I was busy working while knowing that I was now the sole provider for three. Many would have found it comfortable to live on what I provided. But the Planet was not many. It was clearly time to find the picket fenced home sweet home for our family and I was fortunate enough to not have to drive us deeply into debt to accomplish this. Just what I considered a manageable mortgage on a home. I did so want to keep the Planet happy.

The Planets remedy.

Buy house move to another state.

Quote the Planet, 'I did not know what I was going to do, but I couldn't go on like this".
Was this first clue of postpartum depression or of plan to divorce when cash flow was adequate.
But first other global changes needed to be made. The Planet lived for change.
Change the company I had worked for for eleven years and work for the company the Planet used to work for. Fewer friends for me and even fewer old female consorts I suppose.

 Four months later: Supprise! Stop taking pills=baby number duo. The Planet had decided to get this birthing and fetching up business out of the way in one fell swoop.

Viola-family.

These are the surprises I was learning to live with within the Planet’s realm.

So much in life can be looked back on with the epitaph of it seemed like a good  idea at the time. Motives for all parties are often muddled between what is said to be wanted, what others think is wanted, and what is really wanted. Often the latter is as hidden from yourself as much as it is concealed from others. Clarity is a hard commodity to purchase for the currency itself is often a mystery.

Within months there were ripples of dissatisfaction for all concerned. However with communication between myself and the Planet not being what it was either perceived to be or certainly what it should have or could have been, we were indeed traveling in a void. It is the things we try to fill that void with that in the long run become truly problematic.

The few months spent living in the downtown hi-rise were indeed a blur. By living so close to work the temptation was always there to stay a little later than necessary and still get home at a decent hour. Of course the job still had it's peculiar hours and work schedule and I was rather busy with the transaction of commerce. It was also possible to pop home if there was something that needed my attention. However I do not recall  many occasions where the Planet called. The Planet stands alone and it is up to you to know the call is there. I know that now. In reality it was only three months with young Clark that went by in downtown land, but from some reason it seemed much longer. Much longer for the Planet as became apparent. I had apparently made all the mistakes that really counted by then. The next thirteen and a half years were merely a relationship in it's death throes. Nothing passes quickly with the Planet. Geological time is marked differently than our perception of time.

So what were the reasons we moved to that distant and dark land of the Indians. First of the Planet wanted to be close to her family. She wanted the help with our first son Clark. Even though it would mean an almost four hour journey on a daily basis to my enterprise. This from my accustomed less than half hour daily jaunt. Could this have been in the Planet’s design as well?

But I wanted the Planet to be happy.

We also got a great deal on a house on the big lake.Home life was like living in a vacation home. At least it was for me.

Originally the plan was for the Planet to pick up her career after Clark  got a couple years under his belt. With the arrival of Addison that seemed to be on hold but I was under the illusion that the basic plan would be maintained. But the Planets appetite for consumption was only just beginning. The Planet had cast off two satellites within eighteen months of each other. A prodigious feat of creation. The little asteroids where perfect as asteroids can be.

What more could one ever expect from Judith Janet Planet. Much more was indeed in the offing.

The Planet would make good on that assumption in spades.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Caring for the Planet



       The wedding ceremony, the honeymoon, all seemed like a dream. Things were as marvelous as could be. Of course that was my view then and for years that was what I thought the Planet thought. I know now that I have never had any idea what the Planet thought. I know now it was foolish of me to presume such a thing.

Upon our return to our real lives we both went on with our careers. Although with the Planet's delicate condition our once rather party time relationship had to be curtailed. The wining was no longer an option for the two of us. But we still did a lot of dining. We both knew that our restaurant days were numbered with the approach of the Planets number one satellite. Perhaps this was where the seeds of resentment started to set in. The storms that were to become the Planets repertoire perhaps had there beginning there. But the  Planet was ever stealthy. If storms were brewing their was nothing appearing on the radar. After all the Planet was still careening in her single purpose orbit. I didn’t know it was decaying already. The honeymoon was over.  There was a nursery to get together. Shopping and decorating to be done. The Planet was nesting and I thought I was helping. Or was I? It was all a blur.

It was months of breathing classes, realization that we were soon to be parents, responsible for a new life. Both working . Preparing. But still two scared not so young kids diving into adulthood. Real adulthood. No instruction manuals come with pregnant women or children We only had our own parental experiences to go by. Those of course were on the receiving end of parenting. I was raised by people who had there training pre WWII. The Planet was raised by folks who had post WWII raising up. This detail would be very significant in our family life.

Birthing is a bloody business. But what happens during the gestational period ,as I found out years later, sets the stage in a world were there is no such thing as forgiveness. Apparently much can go unsaid and resolution is to be implicitly denied. Known or unknown. As we all know it is what you don't know that gets you. The Planet never speaks.

     If I ever meet the guy or gal who thought it was a good idea to have the father in the room for the labor and  birth of their child, I would I would smile and accept their opinion as just that. Well at least that is me, but I was in the same mode I would be in throughout our decaying orbit, Whatever the Planet wanted I would try to provide. In a hospital setting there is no more useless feeling than that of a prospective dad being there. I guess we have a value as a target while the mother is in labor. A woman who spends so much time claiming it's her body and she has reproductive rights, sure changes her tune when in labor. All of a sudden it's all you, the fathers fault. Like I'm the one who didn't buy the birth control pills and failed to tell anyone. Well she's in tune with her body. She'll know if it's her time to be catching for real. Those were thoughts I never shared. It was always unsaid. But through that experience I only loved the Planet more. She was magnificent. After twenty some hours of labor her Amazon OB GYN acquiesced and they did a cesarean section.  Clark was born healthy and happy, mother was sedated, and I finally went home and got some sleep.

It's what we don't fear that gets us every time.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Looming Indiana

      
        So what to do when you’re a thirty three year old professional who has a knocked up girlfriend. We had discussed living together. I was having the growing fear of being a 50 year old cripple, no family, no kids. Still living alone. I had always had a problem with commitment. Hell I had an eleven year emotional cul-de-sac with Rene. Sure we were young. Sure our careers took us in separate directions. Sure I was maimed in a car accident while we were together. But she stuck with me through the tough times. But I never asked Rene to marry me. Don't even know if she would have. When we took up together in our teens she didn't bargain on an a mono-ped, footless and fancy free, twenty year old husband with who knows what complications to follow.

But now there was going to be a child. My child. Our child. The Planet was to create a little moon out of our combined genetic material. Just what those little strands of DNA contained was as much a mystery then as was the South Shore line and Indiana to me at the time. But all such thing do reveal themselves in due time.

Up until this moment I had always tried to save and conserve resources. To be honest I never had had many resources to save. I had lived sparingly with my assets. Now I was becoming extravagant, or so I thought at the time. My extravagances at this point were nothing compared to the debacle to come once I followed the Planet down the South Shore snake that lead to the wilds of Indiana. Soon I would learn that the Planet could squander earthly resources on a scale that I could not even imagine.

The Planet laughed like the choked back yelp Rene made the first time I entered her virginal young blond fringed body in the sweaty attic that was my teenage room.

Now to say that it was some of the happiest and busiest and heady time in my life would be an understatement. It seems like I had it all. To me I couldn't have asked for a better or more wonderful wedding. The planet was born to organize  festivities and she blossomed in the role. The organizational and taste with which it was all executed was phenomenal. I knew the planet was indeed the right choice. Had I finally done something right. Had I finally made the right turn down my life's path. Had I finally chosen the right partner for the rest of life's journey. I truly believed I had.

Where it all would lead was anyones guess. It was just important that the planet and I were together. But lead to Indiana . That was a prospect I had never even contemplated.

But that was all to end . And it did. The minute it was clear the Planet was to release a satellite. Planet must be cared for.

Caring for the Planet

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

The Planet Turns

But beginnings often foretell of the regrets to come. Being true to the marriage vows to the Planet, the sickness and health and all the other nuisances of the commitment actually had me believing that the vows were mutual and not a matter of convenience. I have an amazing naiveté when it comes to matters of the heart. I am a true believer.

So just how and why a mature, professional women would not buy her birth control pills because she doesn't have the cash, and not tell her boyfriend, that being me I as always presumed till the revelations about it is one of the many mounting mysteries of the Planet. Why to this day I don't know nor have I ever asked the Planet. But that the Planet could never talk to me in a manner I could comprehend is one of my many flaws. One must be still to hear the Planet.

What else was there to do, but have a huge extravagant wedding to add stealth to the blatant fact that I was just another guy that knocked up a girl. But this was no mere girl . This was the Planet

I knew I was looking at a successful career with absolutely no life. It was the emptiness in my days that would eventually set the table for not just my then distant midlife crisis but would quickly be followed by my next to mid life disaster that I still find myself in the throes of.

But the prospect of settling with the planet as my life companion seemed like a perfect idea. We had planned setting up house with two incomes. We both felt that after a proper time of her bringing up baby she would want to restart her career and even laid the groundwork with her former employer to do so. Indiana wasn't even looming.

At that point in my life Indiana seemed like it might actually be a good idea. I had discovered the hard way that even 7-11's had gravitational fields of their own. Especially when the vehicle in question was piloted by Mr. James with the trusty Yellenna at his side. Forward and reverse can become tricky concepts for the terminally inebriated.. The glass doors of a convenience store open 24 hours are not much of a defense from a 1966 Star Chief Executive. All of a sudden I look up and I am eye to eye with the potato chip racks Thats when you know it is time for you to take control of the situation and get the flock out of there. So I did.. Although that was a past incident I always had a sneaking suspicion that the vehicle in question may need to go to Indiana as well.

Indeed Yellanna was trusty for me at the time as well. Often times when the rest had left, she would remain always ready for a roll on my dirty red couch with her dirty red hair and generally dirty red complexion. A veritable ball of red curves and pink valleys of wet and warmth. Oh little miss of the pouty lips a plenty. But never with out the aid of alcohol a plenty, thank you very much. I feel a need to remind myself of the romps because they were soon to come to an end.

The Planet principle. You may come to the Planet, but the Planet will never come to you.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Nancy Nocome

What was it like fucking the planet. Well the first time was in her apartment. She was the messiest woman I had ever seen. Sloppy big titted girl. No where near Lavergnes massive orbs, but large, soft, and very pliable. The planet still had a waist and when she rode on top it was oh so pleasant. The planet had knees that could bend and she could ride me like a little fuck monkey at that time. Of course after our first bout she went in to the bathroom , walked out with a wet washrag and dropped it on my cock I guess I should have questioned just how tender and affectionate  she would be in the long haul. But then who knew how long that hall would be.

To come in the planet was always a messy affair. Of that there is no doubt. But come I did. While  I was dating the Planet that was always very satisfying. Especially when I would drop in on the Planet after a session with Nancy Nocome.   I call her that not because she never came but because I never came while with her.

Probably not much to mention in the way of a relationship although we did work together. Lavergne worked there as well so there was never a dull moment. Went home with her a few times. More often we spent quality time in my car in the parking lot across from where we worked. I don't think we ever really fucked to conclusion anywhere we were. Hers or mine. She would always interrupt. Later I found she had a female condition which might have made fucking painful for her. I would like to say it was because of the enormity of my prodigious appendage but I would  be spinning  quite the yarn there. She was short, carried some pounds, soft medium size tits that were always sensitive and delightful. Best memory of her was her smile and very blond hair with her blue eye's looking up at me as she took my cock in her mouth. I don't think she ever finished a blow job either. Strange time with her always. Big decision was whether to visit Janet Planet or Lavergne next. Because of our constantly unfinished business is why I always felt compelled to proceed to the next womanly delicacy. Best I can say is at least they were the beneficiaries of some powerful pent up energy.

      Yummy

      But how the Planet turns.


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Lavergne

"Do what you want with me" she said.

So after pawing at her for hours in the Green Mill we were now we were up in my Studio Apartment downtown. There we stood with the city lights for illumination I finally had her blouse open, bra unhooked
revealing two of the largest breasts I have ever touched.Not freak porno tits, but real, warm large brown nippled and oh so soft. Sure I had admired them at the office, as had many of my co-workers, but
now my hands were on heaven.

 But what about the invitation to do to me what you want.....hmm. That could have been a night to remember.She was shy about the size of her breasts squeezing them between her arms as her hands were on my stomach as she eased  on to my cock. Oh those lovely breasts The sweet tight warmth of her enveloped me I loved when she rode on top. What a view. So I balled  her like a pinball machine. Made em bounce. I loved when I entered her from behind Those full breasts pressed down on the surface of the mattress flowing out from under her olive skinned shoulders.

When Lavergne and I fucked , we worked up a sweat. Sweet, slick sweaty olive skin and huge breasts. Nipples I could never get as erect as Rene's. But I did spend time trying. Now to my regret, not as much as I should have. Should have spent more hours doing anything I wanted to Lavergne, her tits, her ass, and less drinking with my knuckle head co workers and more fucking would make for sweeter memories.

But my last excursion into Lavergne was a prelude to the savage and raw emotions to come in the bush. I have known the company of women, but she was my favorite. Short statured olive skinned lass of amazing breast proportions totally in contrast to her tiny little behind. Showing up on her door at all hours of the evening to partake of her abundant charms. I enjoyed her thoroughly at every visit.

  Yet the last visit was was perhaps a rather revealing send off for me on my journey into the darkness. After having spent a few hours with the fair haired Pammy I lusted for some darker pleasures finally took her up, so to speak, of the open and standing offer to "do what you want to me". While mounted from behind I became perturbed that Lavergne would never remain on all fours denying my hands free reign upon her bosoms, but would always place her massive breasts and delicately cropped  black haired head on the mattress. So  I raised my aim that inch or two higher and plunged into the land forbidden by state law in Indiana. The land of my exile. So with a delightful view of Lavergne's ample breasts spilling out under her body I slowly and ever so gently pushed into her delightfully tiny and tight derrière. Then withdrew. Entered a little more. Then with withdrew again, till soon I was plunging deeply , savagely, to her guttural moaning and wailing like the little Italian/Irish banshee she was. That was the last woman I had before and throughout my marriage to the Planet. For my fidelity I have no regrets.

Fucking the Planet

Friday, July 2, 2010

Peter Planet

        Yet the Planets gravity was inescapable. There was something I needed there. We went out on dates. I pursued the Planet. We formed, after a long and intermittent courtship, a relationship. We worked in the same industry, knew the same people, and ran in the same circles. We seemed to enjoy each others company. We became a couple.

We seemed to share many of the same values. Spent more and more time together. I had found the same feelings, only more committed, that I had once shared with Rene. Dare I say it. I had found love again. There. The romantic in me has come out. I said it now, and I professed it then.

But I was not yet ready to give up some of my late night wanderings. The Planet was still small, light and young. I had developed other duskier, heavier, and more energetic appetites.

Planets laugh.... inhaled abruptly like a mad asthmatic child of eight gasping for life yet enjoying every forced inhalation like a one year stored orgasm of an eighteen year old boy  losing it before completing the long anticipated docking maneuver.

The Planet had plans of her own. Do I think it was all planned out or was it just general sloppiness in life.  Always so many things to do, places to go in the city. A well employed couple with time to have fun, time to work, time play and money to spend. How far ahead did the Planet really plan. That is something the Planet only knows. But I courted the Planet in earnest and with passion. As the courtship continued my other  women friends, who were used to my rather spontaneous visits would welcome me on the occasions  I showed at their doors and never ask about the passing of time. After all ,no promises had been made. The Planet received my time. The others received my lust. The Planet received my tenderness. The others received the harder parts of me. As I think back I must have believed myself to be....

Peter Planet

       Penis so big it too has its own gravitational field. Attracts many heavenly bodies that are compelled to spin around it and then on to it. Decaying orbits have never been so much fun.

But the memory of one in the hand and three in the bush inevitably brings me to the fond reminiscences of...

 Lavergne's Tits

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Professional




I always wondered if there was anything I could have done to change that, because I know I didn't do much at the time. Another of my many "what was I thinking moments". Now I was staring down Indiana. Only I still didn't know it


So I gave all to the immutable laws of commerce as creatively as I could. I set to amass money, cash, investments. With a life devoted entirely to work. Well almost. Time was spent at work , resting, or wasting time in the clubs and night time haunts searching for what I am not sure. Peace of mind . Hardly to be found in such places. For the most part I avoided entanglements
 
Sure there was the late night adventure with a fine slender women with her passed out boyfriend in the next room. I could hardly forgive my self as my hands caressed her tiny behind, moving her sweet moist enveloping lips into the optimal position for a proper side to side ride. For now I was in the embrace of women. Not like the sturdy Eastern European stock from the catholic schools. Girls I had madly groped on their parents back stairs in my younger days. Or my Rainbow girl, under my favorite tree in the park, endlessly kissing and fitting our young bodies together to maximize pleasurably frictions. Of course when the weather got cold my Rainbow dumped me for an older boy with a Firebird. I moved on from such things with the eleven years of growing up, growing together, and then apart with Rene. 


Now it was variety I craved, and what a delightful variety there is in this marvelous city. I worshiped at all shapes and sized altars in those years. How I did enjoy servicing those women. Adult encounters invariably led to the complete immersion and entwining of our naked bodies in apartments and homes through out the city. No more back stairs, or trees in the park for me. 


I was a professional.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Rene

Now Rene Abuduh, the planets predecessor. Younger, prettier, smarter than the Planet. In many ways a force to be reckoned with all her own, Youthful, wild as all teenage girls are. Still a child , yet coming to terms with her own womanhood and sexuality. But truly a party animal. Not conflicted with her youthful past as the planet was because we both existed in her youthful past. My youthful past. It should never be mistaken that Rene morphs into the Planet. Two very distinct and separate entities. Never to meet. What would ever happen to the universe if these two bodies would meet. What would be the consequences.

Tall, small breasted, large shapely behind that was underutilized and under appreciated by the younger me. 

My family always liked Rene. For why I can't be sure. When asked what caused our split I would have to attribute numerous factors. One being that we just plain grew apart, coupled with my work schedule which at times only allowed a few hours of sleep a night and her teaching career which allowed much more free time. Also my serious maiming that happened a few years before might not be something an attractive twenty three year old women would want to have to deal with the rest of her life. However she stuck with me through the worst of it and for that I shall always be grateful. Actually Always Grateful is kind of my middle name.

So Rene exited stage left never to be seen again.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The Planet

Janet Judith Planet

Now The Planet is so large she has her own gravitational field.

Plowing blindly through space absorbing all resources and recourses that get in her way. Although what she sup supped up does leave their marks on the planet, still she spins tirelessly through space. Constantly absorbing, never giving back much to the universe or the space she fills. Very selfish, looks out for herself, and is reborn. The Planet is the center of this universe. Of course. How could it be otherwise.

Janet's laugh.
Very memorable. Like.......

More on that latter.

Yet the planet started small. Not to small. Like many things with the planet, getting involved with her seemed like a good idea . My career had been prosperous, but my life was lacking. First met the planet shortly after Rene Abuduh was out of my life. I was in no hurry for involvement or orbiting. The planet was young. I was busy. The planet was attached. I was not. The planet was skinny, all breasts and big blue eyes under short cropped hair. I was bloated and beat. But we found each other in that crowded industry party bar. I was ready, on the rebound. She was almost ready. We would meet again after a few more orbits and some life travels. We parted with a final kiss that night.

I would not escape that easily.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Depressed?

There I was watching the news first thing in the morning which is certainly enough to make anyone a little queasy, but hey I have my coffee so everything will be O.K. At least I really don't think I will need the product that was being pitched to me via the airwaves anytime soon. They were doing the classic, you've got a problem, poor thing, but that's alright we can fix it for you with our drug. All well and good, except that the second half of this spot was the shill reading all the possible side effects. Of course I stress that possible is a key word. But back to our commercial. The montage of these happily drugged people continuing merrily on their way despite the voiceover backdrop of the looming implications of their continued drug use. Another telling warning was not to stop taking the drug quickly. Built in dependence and demand. Dare I say the perfect product with serious withdrawal implications.

So after hearing that list of maladies possibly caused by this little beauty I know I was depressed. But I cheered up immediately with the news story of a member of British royalty using the Pink Floyd defense of “I don’t know, I was really drunk at the time.” I felt much better then.

Life is a good and remember, “Without chemicals life itself would be impossible.”

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Prelude


It was  Friday afternoon and I had a great sense of relief. I saw them all walking to the South Shore station and I knew what lay ahead of them. Herds of them filing into the underground . Lines and lines of them, heading out of their weekly veneer of civilization. Running away from the concrete, fine restaurants, theater, opera. All the finer things in life. Weekends they throw off these trappings and strip down to their basic, primordial selves. Oh how I shudder when I think of what goes on out there at any given moment. Why did I take that journey. What primitive and vile urge brought me to the very edge of my humanity. One thing I know. In Indiana...No one can hear you scream


I am a wiser man and have used as well as been used now. It is unfortunate that often it is unrealized at the time by all parties. But upon reflection ,after having pulled myself out of the wilderness, and looking back on the events there is no longer a need for forgiveness. What was done was done . Whether out of necessity of survival, or just basic animal instinct. Perhaps both the same. Is it the actions or the motivations that really matter? Or is it in fact only the results that count. Perhaps that is the true measure of my journey into Indiana.


What was it that brought people down that South Shore line, many on a daily basis. Others beginning on a day to day trek ,only to eventually be swallowed up, churned inside the guts of mills, industry, and eventually corn. None but the brave or foolish returned there to toil. The lure of cheap cigarettes, cheap property, low gas prices would seem to be the immediate and easy answer. There where also whispers of white trash trailer park women who could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, but most thought that was just rumor to draw the young males back to the corn fields. Whatever the draw, the land was ripe to be plundered as a century before the robber barons located their mills. They sang there song of the south drawing hundreds of thousands from Kentucky and Tennessee to labor in the newly industrialized lake front. In many ways the new migration out of the big city was much more insidious. To the point: what was it that drew me. But I have yet to mention


The Planet